From great plans to their complete change. Lots of words and pics, so everything is under the cut.

( Read more... )

That's all for now~
またね

Ah, i don't want this journal to become a collection of small short posts. i have twitter for this purpose, to leave my desultory thoughts there.
no desire now to verbalize everything that is recently on my mind.
I just felt like making a little post on ameblo, but it turned to be closed for maintenance ><
So I'll simply leave here a couple of pictures of these gorgeous gothic loli 'gloves' I got as a b-day present from a friend~




In order not to make this post too short..... Recently I'm so much into Incubus' new album*-* I remember, Leda spoke of it. He hadn't listened to it yet back then. I liked Incubus about 4 or 5 years ago, then they disappointed me with something and I just kept listening to my fav song "Drive". But after oohakuchou  told the new album is really good, I decided to download it nontheless. And totally fell in love <3 Have been listening to it for several days nonstop. Their songs have some special atmosphere or mood that makes me feel...different. They create their own world.
Now I wonder...what Leda meant by saying "I haven't listened to it yet cuz I know they will affect me"? Was it "influence on music" kind of meaning? Or he meant the same thing I told about? Was it an influence on him personally? Don't even know why I ask myself such stupid questions XD Does it important anyway. I'm just so crazy about this person. No other musician meant so much to me... ok-ok *shuts up*


Yesterday I went to my parents' BUT because of heavy rain the running water system broke down and there was no water so mum and me had to return to the town. Jeez, everytime I come to the countryhouse, there always something happens *rolleyes* be it water supply breakdown or blackout or any other incident or even accident.

When I returned home, my former vocal coach called me. She asked to translate a rider for her and also invited to come to her performance in October as well to help in communicating with someone...translations, translations. Okie, later I'll be telling everyone I'm a professional in translating music contracts of any kind XD
Ah, it's late night already at my place. Shall I go to bed.
おやすみなさい～

Here we go. Twitter is not enough xD still don't understand what I feel and how I feel. The most appropriate word is "lost". Everyday I make myself wake up, then get up, then.... The question is, what for? I'm not interested in studies anymore, moreover, I'm fed up with the studies, I have no desire to finish up my university and I'm not sure if I really need to go to study Japanese in Japan. I need it only as a way of getting away from this awful country I live in. I hate it. I hate everything about it exept central heating. I hate the people I hate the language I hate the culture or better say the absence of it. I'm so fed up with everything. I want to change everything in my life except for love of music, music itself and my ability to draw. I even thought of dying my hair blonde xD having a tattoo, probably. Always wanted.
There are some people who are like leeches. They suck out not your blood but your soul. They think that if they are close to you enough, they are allowed everything. They have no idea about manners, about good breeding, about limits of imprudence. I can't stand such people.
Dad says, you have to accept people as they are, because we're all different. Perhaps such attitude makes your life easier, but there's a limit to everything, right. My patience is not boundless. Unfortunately.

Maybe I'll start music this year again. Because that was the only sense in my life. I don't know why I do music as it's obvious I've no chance to become a pro. I just like it. Just feel alive only when singing or playing. All the rest of the time I don't feel at all. The other moment I feel alive is at lives.
Or when I'm in Japan xD

It's not that I hate my life. I love my life enough not to have a desire to commit suicide xD just joking.
I hate myself. I'm far from a teen age already to feel this way, no?xD
Probably I'm too lazy to become someone big. Or probably I don't have such a thing called vanity.

As I promissed, posting some random pics from Japan

Harajuku crepes*-* wanted to try them many years and finally did it, after harsh shopping at Laforet (harsh because of last sale day XD) and before taiban at Takadanobaba Area (feat.Triggah, Mejibray and smb else don't even know who).

Btw, at that taiban I left after Triggah played their set, supposing there was nothing worth listening to. Oh I was so wrong acting like that. First, Masataka came there to see Revier, after I left. Second, Mejibray's vocalist turned to be really nice to listen to, he has quite a pleasant voice, just one of the ways I like male vocals to be. But I realised this when already back home XD So I guess I'll be reproaching myself for leaving and missing the band's performance exactly as I reproached myself for missing Deluhi's live two years ago, prefering to go to Kamakura instead of visiting that taiban Deluhi was taking part in T^T though that happened due to some reasons, I still regret I missed the chance to see Deluhi during their absolute indie period. Ah, nvm.

What's next?


A restaurant with a roof terrace at Aoyama. I went there with a friend when we first met after a year no see. Cool place where I tried the most delicious corn soup ever*-*

The interior is also great.

And the last one


Street decorations on a sidewalk somewhere in Shibuya XD

Just... felt like posting here, all of a sudden.
A lot happened in my life since i left Japan. Maybe I'll tell about this stuff a bit later. Now I want to speak about what I feel in order to make it clear for myself, first of all. ...and here comes the answer - I do not know. This is strange. Every time I'm back to my country from abroad, I feel depressed. Especially every time I leave Japan. This particular country is absolutely special to me. It's always hard to leave. I do miss my family&friends when I'm away from home, but I do not feel somehow closely connected to my country. Don't know. It's difficult to explain.
Okay, moving to the question, why this time my returning back home has unusually strange feeling. This time, after coming back, I do not feel depressed. Like, at all. I mean....no idea, what i mean, i mean what i mean, that's it. All the trip was like a flash of light. So quick, so crazy, so.. mad. Probably it's because I was waiting for this trip so long, like about 4 months? Mom says, way longer - since I stepped out from the plane last year XD But this year I stayed in Japan the longest ever - about 3 weeks. All the past times were only 2 weeks... When I was there, it felt like I'm staying there about a month already, though it was only a week. But when I came back home, it felt as if I never left. As if all those lives, meeting ups with friends, walks at night, everything - was just a dream. As if the band itself - DELUHI - was just my imagination. I'm still not sure if everything somehow connected to the band, truly exists. Because it is extremely hard to get used to the thought that the band no longer exists. I know everything's gonna be fine, as always in fairy-tales. And THIS is MY fairy-tale, and this is me who makes the rules, so in MY fairy-tale everything will be fine and NO END. There will be no end at all. This fairy-tale will be life-long.
Sometimes I feel like crying when listening to Deluhi songs, especially the old ones, because I see the illusory bright future of the band.
At this particular moment I realised why for me this disbandment thing is so painful. Because the band appeared in my life when I felt probably the worst. When my previous fave band strongly disappointed me (and this is how I am made, I always need, or rather, have to have a fave band and be deeply into it), here came Deluhi. Like a flash of light of hope, like a breath of fresh air, like a new will to live.
They seemed so outstanding that became Number One for me at once. And i felt so madly happy back then, because finally felt that this lovestory will be endless. because these guys are too young, too talented, too bright to make me disappointed in the long run, as I thought at that time. I thought, they will bring me happiness many-many years ahead. That's why I feel likke crying everytime I hear Living Dead, Yomi no yuzuriha, Ivory and Irony, Orion Once Again and others, because it's the sound of my false dawn. In 3 years, my dream turned to dust and ashes.
Now this all seems like I'm standing on disruption of my own casle in the air.
The only thing stayed unchanged - they never ever disappointed or disillusioned me.

Perhaps, I will write a live report someday. About all the lives at once. I am not sure yet. If I have the courage.

That's all for now, I think.
There's going to be one more post sometime soon, I'll tell about my recent stuff as I promissed.

Loving a band with all your heart is something you only understand when it happens to you. On the surface, others can see it as a petty obsession, but they’ll just never know the feeling of putting so much faith into a few people on the other side of the world. It’s hard to explain it to them, the listening to song after song on repeat, the waits for new albums, the excitement and surreal sensation when you finally see them live. They don’t seem to understand why the lyrics booklets give you a sense of comfort, or why you paste photos of them all over your bedroom walls. And they can’t understand why one band could matter to you so much. And you think to yourself ‘Because they saved my life.’ But you say nothing, they wouldn’t understand.

These words I found from someone on tumblr. I can't help quoting, cuz they say exactly what I wanted to express but couldn't verbalize.

I should be studying right now, but felt like posting here again. Just cuz I have smth to say. And it seems like I'm forgetting English comletely, so writing just for a little practice.
On Sunday it was mom's B-day so we went to a restaurant to celebrate~ It was a tiny company consisted of mom, her best friend and me. Dad was in a business trip that day and his flight was delayed, that's why he couldn't be with us. So our female trio came to a restaurant I booked beforehand. It was a nice place in a kinda European country style on the 14th floor of a modern business center called smth like City Tower. Ok, now I'd better make things clear: I booked a table with sofas by a window. When the hostess welcomed us to our table, it WAS by a window but there were no sofas. There were chairs or armchairs or smth like that. I was like 'WTF?' and was just about to asked the hostess why this all is like that, as she simply disappeared in a second. Alrightie... I asked a waiter if we can change our place, he said he will ask the hostess. We waited for 15 mins and no girl came. In 20 mins she was so kind to come to us. I explained her we had a celebration and I made the booking in advance, I was asked by a girl whom I was talking on the phone to, if I want a table with sofas by a window. I repeated my booking twice. I made it clear. The hostess said that it was me who chose this particular table when I booked it. But no one asked me which exactly table I want! In the restaurant I saw plenty of unoccupied tables with sofas on the terrace by windows (that particular tables I meant when I was booking, but no one told me it's a terrace and not the hall, and no one made an effort to specify if I want a table on the terrace or in the hall itself. you can't understand from the pics on the website if there are two areas in the restaurant). I asked the hostess if we may seat at one of them just for a couple of hours, but she said that right now all the tables are going to be occupied! Rubbish. There were like 10-12 free tables, it's just impossible that so many people will come at the same time. I did my best to stay polite, be calm and smile while talking to the hostess (though I was pissed off, irritated, annoyed and angry inside), I told her we have a celebration trying to make her do smth about the incident. I even asked her to show me the plan of the sitting places to chose an unoccupied one, but she refused. She just said that all the places are occupied (when all the restaurant was half empty XD) and went away. I was simply shocked. I just decided to make another reservation in some other restaurant. But our favourite one was closed for some reason... We waited for another 10 mins and then the hostess came up again offering us a table with sofas in the PASSAGEWAY, just near the staff door and the entrance. It was the last straw. We just left and went to our favourite beer restaurant XD it has no festive atmosphere, it's more of business place, more appropriate for men than ladies XD but anyway we went there, even without any reservation we could find there a quiet corner with SOFAS!! yay! XD (though they were leather and not so cozy). We drank tasty cherry beer (like true ladys LOL) and ate meat&vegetables~ Had a great time anyway. Talked about various things, recalled lots of funny and not-so-funny stuff, laughed a lot. But when I came home I left online my "best wishes" to that first restaurant *evil*~
Today I met with a girl who co-organized the party along with a friend of mine I went to shoot several days ago, to give her the pics. After that I went to the beauty salon to have my hair cut. Nothing special, practically the same hairstyle I had before.
On my way home when I was waiting for the elevator I saw two medical guys carrying out a corpse. It was all over wrapped in a white cloth, but it was clear that it was a dead body. It's not that I'm afraid of such things, it was just kinda weird. I've never seen a dead body with my own eyes. My mom says, you shouldn't be afraid of the dead but of the alive. She's right. A dead one can't do you any harm, but an alive one.... quite the opposite.
Hmmm I guess I shall finish the post up on an optimistic note, but nothing comes to mind, so I'll just leave this gif here (as I promissed to start posting pics), it will say all the positive I'm not able to give a verbal form to~

Today paid a visit to my dentist. Made one more appointment for the next Wednesday >< hate visiting doctors, seriously. It's no pleasure at all. I'm just afraid of doctors.
After that went to buy some books, found two really interesting Japanese-related textbooks. Want to read them asap** though I should finish Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" first.
Suddenly an idea came to my mind:D to make a list of fragrances I like the most.
So, here we go (randomly, no order):
1. Green Tea by Elizabeth Arden (had it 3 times)
2. Promesse by Cacharel
3. Indian Holi by Kenzo
4. 7:15 am in Bali by Kenzo (want to buy it once more)
5. Yohji Yamamoto pour Femme by Yohji Yamamoto (would like to use it again once more, I have it still, but it went off already, I kept it out of use too long D:)
6. Dream Angels Heavenly (Angel mist) by Victoria's Secret (perfumed water, got it as a gift from my father when he returned from USA, still have it, very little left though)
7. Naughty Alice by Viviene Westwood (have it since recently, totally inlove with the scent**)
Well, since i started this fragrance topic, I should say that i'm absolutely scent-addict** I have lots of perfumes, always get them from my father as gifts from his trips. Never buy fragrances for myself usually, except perhaps this Westwood one I bought last week and some J.Lo perfume I purchased many-many years ago.
Ok, this is all for today, it's time to study!! Probably I should start posting some pics here?..

I must be preparing for tomorrow's exam but I'm not in the mood XD on Monday I was kinda late for an exam 'cuz i thought the teacher will be late as he's always late XD but he came on time and i got late for like 20 mins =_= and he left! so i had to come back to the Uni at 4 p.m. and it was just 9-30 a.m. So i went shopping XD i'd better not have done this -___- i'm not a shopaholic though I spent quite a fortune that day =___= i was stressed XD have to tighten my belt now or i'm running a risk to splash out everything saved for the trip >< 
anyway, the trouble is i'm turning into a gal XDD 助けて！やばい！i bought a lacy top O__o never wore such stuff -_- it's all Japanese fashion influence XD i'd better stop reading J-fashion magz XD
oh yes and i'd better stop drinking coffee so much. just to remind myself.
what else? yesterday i went to pick up my parcel from cdjapan. i got shocked by the place the storage is located! in some industrial area, near the Third Ring Road with kinda no civilization around, on the territory of a business center... okay *rolleyes*. so got the parcel and got shocked for the second time. now by the package! the parcel contained a magazine and a dvd only, but the box!!!the box was massive. one of 'pizza box' type, but a huge one. inside it was stuffed with that green paper, the mag and the dvd both had bubble wrapping each... oh those Japanese *facepalm* while i was getting rid of the package i met the delivery guy who called me the day before informing about the parcel came. he just recognized the box he had to deliver and asked me my address XD 
so yeah... that's all for now, i should go back to shiken jumbi...

 ..posting here. no desire to write in Russian on my Russian blog, so here i am.  perhaps i should renew my ameblo and improve my Japanese by posting there. who knows..
as of now, i'm concerned with my bank sending me strange messages about some cancelling an authorization. have no idea what it can be. last time i made transactions via my card was three days ago >< the message says i was payed back 1$ though, i'm still worried. waiting for the emails from the bank. i loggen in my online bank account like 20 minutes ago but haven't received a notification email yet >< and also I've requested my transtaction list, and received nothing as of yet. what's going on? i'm trying to use my card online as little as possible and if use, via trusted systems only.
the past week was kinda lazy. did almost nothing. was just sitting and listening to music, reading twitter&ameblo, having fun on fashiolista.com, hanging out with friends~ and learing Japanese a bit, yup. 
i wish i studied harder! i'm sooo lazy =_= hate myself for it. and still i haven't finished that Juri drawing -_- it's been a month since i started it? yeah, around so. (wtf, what happend to my English? i guess my way of expressing thoughts in English has become lame and not English at all >< must practice more)
Tomorrow having an exam. the only trouble is, have to get up early -_- though i've been going to bed early recently and waking up at around 6 a.m. w\o alarm, suddenly i started seeing bad dreams =_= and what is worse, they seem so real! i wake up and can't believe it was just a dream... strange feeling. Brings 'Inception' to mind at once lol.
so where was I?.. right, i was talking about my Japanese studies. As i'm preparing all the studying programm by myself, I manage to find the most interesting ways of learning for me. Since I'm a complete beginner (yes I am despite I've been learning the language for 1 year now), Nihongo Dekimasu series are a great help! (Check it out on www.erin.ne.jp if interested~) The series are all in Japanese accompanied by English subtitles at times, for the major points only. The web portal has a multilingual option. Besides, the source has lots&lots of ways of learning i.e. games, manga, etc, scripts&translations, which is an important thing, it seems to me XD But when I started watching the series, i didn't know about the portal, so I had to be contented with the piece of translation and learning supplies I had from the video. The thing I must add, I hardly read kana and knew very few kanji back then when i started whatching it. So I understood almost nothing from what they were saying in the video. But I furnished myself with an electronic PC dictionary and, decoding every unknown word by ear I looked them up and then put them down into my copybook. This way I gained a skill of discerning long vowels and double consonants at once, hardly making mistakes. I have a good ear for music though. You should have it if you want to learn languages actually.
The next way of learning is again listening. Now without any video, just audio. It is podcasts. The first one and the most informative, offering heaps of options, is JapanesePod101.com. I haven't looked through the site profoundly yet, but found there lots of essential material. 
And the second is LearnJapanesePod.com, hosted by Alex Brooke, an Englishman :D I love this radioshow for the jokes Alex and the teachers make XDD The portal is pretty informative&useful too, I've already listened all the podcasts (106 pods as of now). 
Btw, learn there not only Japanese but also improve my English XD
What else? Of course I have a standard textbook with the rules&explanations&kanji and stuff. But this is not enough for me XD Also reading Japanese blogs helps a lot. Like, there you may learn living language, slang, etc. And watching movies&dorama, yup. I don't like watching such stuff actually XD But this helps, too. Recently I've dowloaded a Korean dorama "Airport" (just for my love of airports and aircrafts and my childhood dream to be a pilot or a flight attendant at least lol), the thing I noticed is that when watching Japanese dorama I may skip like half of all the subtitles and I will still somehow understand what they are talking about and won't lose the track of actions, while the situation with Korean is quite opposite XDD I don't understand a word in Korean so I have to sit sticked to the screen in order not to miss the translation XD
Well I guess that's all I wanted to tell XD

Originally posted by miumau at Очередные списки
Очевидные вещи, но на случай, что кто-то забыл:

ВЫ ИМЕЕТЕ ПРАВО:

1. ... иногда ставить себя на первое место
2. ... просить о помощи и эмоциональной поддержке
3. ... протестовать против несправедливого обращения или критики
4. ... иметь свое собственное мнение или убеждения
5. ... совершать ошибки, пока Вы не найдете правильный путь
6. ... предоставлять людям право самим решать свои проблемы
7. ... говорить: «Спасибо, НЕТ», «Извините, НЕТ»
8. ... не обращать внимания на советы окружающих и следовать своим собственным
9. ... побыть одному, даже если другим хочется Вашего общества
10. ... иметь свои собственные, какие угодно, чувства, независимо от того, понимают ли их окружающие
11. ... менять свои решения или изменять образ действий
12. ... добиваться перемены договоренности, которая Вас не устраивает



ВЫ НИКОГДА НЕ ОБЯЗАНЫ:

1. быть безупречной на 100%
2. следовать за всеми
3. делать приятное неприятным Вам людям
4. любить людей, приносящих Вам вред
5. извиняться за то, что Вы были самим собой
6. выбиваться из сил ради других
7. чувствовать себя виноватым за свои желания
8. мириться с неприятной Вам ситуацией
9. жертвовать своим внутренним миром ради кого бы то ни было
10. сохранять отношения, ставшие оскорбительными
11. делать больше, чем Вам позволяет время
12. делать что-то, что Вы на самом деле не можете сделать
13. выполнять неразумные требования
14. отдавать что-то, что Вам на самом деле отдавать не хочется
15. нести на себе тяжесть чьего-то неправильного поведения
16. отказываться от своего «Я» ради чего бы то ни было или кого бы то ни было

 i'm tired to death. totally exhausted. by everything, by studies, by upcoming exams, by misunderstanding between my friends and myself. i don't know what happened to me... it never happened before, i mean i never had such problems with people. want to go to a desert island, far away from all the people. 
wanna stay alone for some time. to do what i want without being obliged to explain or report anyone my actions&motives&plans. so sick&tired of interfiering into my private life. it's my business, deal with it.

 my life stopped the moment they told they disband

 suddenly felt like making here a post.
on my way home from the countruhouse (and on my way to the c.h.) i happened to listen to the Gztt. why, i asked myself. why, i dont feel anything special to this band anymore. no. that was a lie. on my way back, i was thinking over smth else, not paying any attention to what was playing in my iPod. like, i knew it was the gztt but i didnt realize it was them. just some music. just some band i used to listen to pretty often, the band i used to love. just one more band out of hundreds i listen to. no. lie, once again. and then suddenly i came back in my thoughts to what was playing in my iPod. music. pretty nice music. professionaly made, mixed, arranged, coupled by a very beautiful voice, powerful, full of a bouquet of emoutions. that guy knows a life, i thought. Ruki. just a while ago this name wasnt so strange to me. but now it seems like i never knew and never felt this man. i kept listening to that music, music which was so close, so intimate to me... was. the key word here. seems like the end? no. yes but no. it's just smth new. when i saw them live i knew for sure those rumors of them 'dying' were not a bit of truth. but yes after some period in their career i changed my attitude to the band. that live was a full stop. my good good-bye to them. but today sitting in the car i heard them as if for the first time. as if i were a person completely not familiar with them and their music, as if absolutely not interested and unprejudiced listener. my verdict? they still alive. they do really good music, really talented, with great arragements, with magnificent vocals. 
tha fans are tend to judge cuz they think each of them knows each member the best, as if know them personally. it is not like that. not a bit. the fans seriously think they know for sure motives and feeling and thoughs of the musicians. they dont even a bit. so they judge only from their own guesses. it's so foolish, stupid and rediculous. tha fans are angry cuz their fave band has changed a lot. you cant avoid changes when a band wants progress. deal with it.
i guess it's not what i really wanted to say, but the sense is - i still like them. probably less than 'the old the Gztt' but Ruki's voice still touches smth in my heart. 

 blade.bosom.bleeding.

 everything is fucked up. 
i was just sitting all day long wantching some trash love movies that i hate the most and trying to hide  from myself.
i'm nothing now.
i can't sing anymore, i can't draw anymore, i can't play anymore. that's the point. when you have everything to do smth, you have all the opportunities, and everything is just favourable for you to do a thing, here comes the mood. here come... YOU. you can't resist yourself, that is killing. you cant switch off your brains and just feel. or when it is so vital and necessary to turn off your feelings and just make your head work, you can't do it. what's the reason? it is you. so how we should deal with ourselves? i'm sick& tired of questioning this my whole life. 
where are the answers? inside YOU. how to drag them out? who knows. 
it's simple as that, just GO and DO. 
so how to make youself believe it? how can you coordinate the feelings and the brains?
i'm ambivalent. i'm over-contradictional, that's my curse. 
i always find problems where there are none of them.
i have become cruel.

 it's been a long time, right... i'm kind of here though. probably i'm going to write here something more informative some time soon. 
today i fell inlove with Deluhi again XD it happens every time i see or hear smth new from them, this time it was not so new live DVD. i was just listening to it on my iPod while getting to the Uni. awesome feeling~ 
i hope i'd be able to fall inlove with the Gazette over again...who knows. i will always love them, they'll always have a special place in my heart. but there's no passion now. maybe that's for good....
anyway....that is what i am about right now. i guess there's smth inside me that is changing.....

...shall i start with "it's been a month again since my last post"...? XD
okay, i won't. Twitter now eats my brains so i suppose i wiil not post here friquently.

gaaarhh, my neck hurts..T_T i'd better stop sitting in front of my laptop that much(
anyway....yeah, i've finished the Aggy drawing and have submitted it on my DA, and already started a Leda portrait.
it's half-ready, just left the worst part - hair =_=

 and i've abandoned my ameblo almost at all U_U just come there to check the guys' blogs...though i'm still continuing to improve my Japanese... 

i think it's time for me to start posting here regularly. like, to make new design to feel completely comfortable here and stuff

listening to ClearVeil now. oh man, they resemble Sel'm so much. the least one is a lot better, i'd say.

i almost completed my Aggy drawing, there's just some details left to finish with. background and such.
hope to draw it up to the end this weekend... though i'm not sure i'll manage, cuz this evening i'm going to my parents' house and be back tomorrow afternoon, and on Sunday we're planning to go to a blues club with friends.  aaand i haven't been playing my guitar for ages. that's no good.

btw, i'm in love with Hizaki's 'Aphrodite' <3

Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth. (M.Twain)